In October I began to consider adoption.  It was the only solution I could see that could spare this child from a dysfunctional situation.  The father continued to inform me that he would fight for custody. I was told by numerous adoption agencies that there was nothing that could be done since he refused to consider adoption. It just seemed so unfair to the baby.  Since adoption was a seemingly impossible solution, I tried to prepare myself to parent while also trying to prepare myself to be able to give my child up for adoption.

A pro-lifer myself, I started cold calling pro-life organizations all over the country trying to find any solution to my problem.  I was disappointed to learn that while the pro-life community advocates for adoption as opposed to abortion, once you have made that choice, they are lacking the resources and legal knowledge in pursuing a contested one.  Most people I spoke with were appalled that this could happen but were unable to offer me any kind of help.  Around seven months pregnant, I decided I needed to move.  He knew where I was living and I was afraid to have the baby somewhere that he may be able to find us.  The adoption agency I had been working with had told me long ago there was nothing they could do and they refused to work with me anymore due to his continued refusals to consider adoption.  After doing some research I found out that Texas is a very adoption friendly state and I had heard there was an agency there that may be able to help me- Adoption Advocates Incorporated.  I spoke with Jane Hall, the director, who told me that she had handled several cases like this before.  I was amazed.  After four months of research and dead ends, I found the one person that was willing to try to help me.  I moved to Texas at 8 ½ months pregnant.

I was pretty detached from my baby during my pregnancy.  I loved the baby as a mother loves her child, but I also felt trapped in my own body.  Everything changed when I had him, 1500 miles away from home; in April 2009 I met the love of my life, my baby.  Seeing all of my sacrifices, pain, and fear manifested into this tiny, innocent, little person who was so dependent on me made me realize that it was all worth it.  I did not put that child down the entire time we were in the hospital.  I nursed him, sang to him, talked to him and cried with him.  Those days in the hospital were the happiest and saddest days of my life and I found myself selfishly hoping that his father would win in contesting the adoption so I could parent him.  The only thing that stopped me from taking my baby boy home with me was that I needed to know that I had done everything in my power to protect him so that if the adoption didn’t happen, I would be blessed with a beautiful child knowing I did everything I could.  I wanted to keep him because I loved him so much and I knew that I would be a wonderful mother, but I knew that in loving him, I had to fight for what was best for him- despite how much it killed me.  The month after I had my baby, I didn’t speak to anyone but my mom and the adoption agency.  I have never known such sorrow.  I knew going into this that he could very easily win and I expected him to because he had put up such a fight.

My son was adopted in July. . I chose a wonderful family for him who I have grown very close to throughout this process.  He will grow up knowing who I am and understanding the sacrifices I made for him. He will also be in contact with me throughout his life, as I have a very open adoption with his family. I love him more than I knew was possible and it is because of that love that I have chosen to suffer so that he won’t have to. Choosing to give my son up for adoption, when I would have loved to parent him, doesn’t make me any less of a mother, if anything, it is a testament to motherhood, as I have put my child’s happiness above my own. I am not ashamed of the decision I have made and do not want to hide it; rather I want to use it to create awareness.  I never realized what a negative idea people have of birthmothers, but I experienced a lot of it when I was pregnant and I hope work towards changing that.

I would not have been able to make it this far without support and love from my family and a few close friends, and without complete trust in God’s Divine Plan. My baby boy has saved my life in so many ways and I am so grateful to him. I want people to know what I have been through. I hope that with my story, the ideas of the simplicity of adoption as opposed to abortion will change, and this will create awareness that adoption isn’t easily available to any woman and the great lengths I had to go to in order to fight for what was right. I thank God for giving me the strength to travel this, at times, impossible and heart breaking journey but most of all, I thank him for my beautiful baby boy.