As a social work or health care professional caring for expectant moms, you will often walk alongside her as she makes decisions for her baby’s future. Your role allows you to offer information, support, and space for reflection—but it’s important to avoid steering someone toward or away from a particular decision. Even well-meaning comments can unintentionally tip the scales.
Here’s a compassionate and informative guide to what not to say to a birth mom or an expectant parent considering adoption. These guidelines can help ensure that your words are unbiased, nonjudgmental, and respectful during this emotionally complex time.
What Not to Say to a Birth Parent or Expectant Parent Considering Adoption
❌ “I could never give up my baby.”
This statement implies that the person considering adoption doesn’t love their child or isn’t strong enough to parent — which is deeply hurtful and false. Adoption isn’t “giving up.” It’s making a thoughtful plan, often out of love and a desire to provide the best possible future for their child.
❌ “You’re so brave/selfless/strong.”
While meant as a compliment, this kind of statement can oversimplify the intense and often conflicting emotions birth parents may feel: grief, guilt, hope, relief, and love, all at once. Adoption is complex, and it’s important to leave room for those complexities.
Expectant and birth parents deserve respect, empathy, and the freedom to navigate their experience without being judged or stereotyped.
❌“You don’t have to do this.”
Grief and sadness will be present, but that doesn’t mean she has not carefully thought through this decision and made it with intention. With pre-adoption counseling, she has likely explored every alternative already and feels this is the right choice, no matter how difficult it feels.
❌“You’re doing the right thing.”
Unless they’ve explicitly asked for your opinion or reassurance, avoid framing adoption as morally “right” or “wrong.” Every situation is unique, and this kind of statement can feel patronizing or pressure-filled.
❌“At least you’ll still get to see your baby.”
Even in open adoption, access and contact are not always guaranteed. Saying this may unintentionally give false hope or diminish the reality of ongoing loss and boundaries that may shift over time. And open adoption is not a cure for their grief.
❌“Who’s the father? Does he know?”
Questions about the other parent may come across as invasive or judgmental, especially if the topic hasn’t been offered up by the expectant mother themselves. Also, it’s none of your business.
❌“You’re so young. You’ll have more kids later.”
This can feel dismissive of the child and decision at hand. Future possibilities don’t negate the grief or the weight of placing this baby for adoption. And no one knows what the future holds.
What to Say Instead
If you want to support someone making an adoption plan or who has already placed a child, use non-directive questions and statements.
✅ “I’m here for you, whatever you decide.”
✅ “That must be a hard decision. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
✅ “Tell me how you feel about your adoption plan.”
✅ “I admire how much thought and care you’re putting into this.”
The Bottom Line
Expectant and birth parents deserve respect, empathy, and the freedom to navigate their experience without being judged or stereotyped. Words and tone matter. Let’s use them to create a safe space for every woman walking this path.
