Dos and Don’ts for Adoptive Parents at the Hospital

You’ve come a long way on your adoption journey – and now the day you’ve been waiting for has arrived. The expectant mother you’ve been matched with has been admitted to the hospital and the baby will be here soon.

You thought you would be over the moon with excitement and joy – and you are – but you also feel nervous and anxious.

Feelings of uncertainty about the hospital experience are a common part of the adoption process. By this time, most adoptive parents have some idea about the logistics of what will happen at the hospital. Your adoption coordinator has gone over the expectant parent’s hospital plan, and maybe you’ve even had discussions with the expectant parents about their expectations.

The emotions of the hours and days following the baby’s birth are harder to prepare for. While it’s easy to get swept up in the excitement, it’s important to remember that the birth mother and baby come first during this time. Allowing her time and space to bond with her baby, and process her feelings, is critical to ensuring that she makes the right choices for herself and her family.

We’ve put together a few tips for adoptive parents to keep in mind as they navigate the hospital experience. By keeping the focus on the birth mother and baby, you’ll be able to show support and offer care, while allowing her space to make the difficult decision ahead.

DON’T

Ask if she has changed her mind, or how she feels about adoption.
This is a conversation for her to have privately with the hospital social worker and/or her adoption agency counselor. If she is feeling uncertain, she may not feel comfortable speaking to you about it.

Refer to the baby as yours if relinquishment papers have not been signed.
Until that time, the birth parents have not made a final decision about adoption, and the baby is theirs, not yours.

Invite your friends or family to the hospital to meet the baby.
After delivery, the birth mother needs time to recover and process her emotions about the adoption plan. Introducing the birth mother to excited family members may make her feel pressured to move forward with relinquishment for fear of disappointing everyone. There will be plenty of time for everyone to meet the baby after you’ve returned home.

Post pictures or announcements on social media before placement happens.
Baby pictures are so cute, and we know you can’t wait to share them. However, this baby is not yours to share until paperwork is signed.

Forget about the birth father and other birth family.
This is a difficult process for them as well, and they also need your support and sensitivity.

DO

Respect her privacy and space, both physical and emotional.
No matter how much adoption counseling she has done, she may not be prepared for the emotions she will experience.

Be flexible, as plans and her wishes may change.
As many women familiar with labor and delivery will tell you, things often don’t go as planned. No matter how much thought and care went into writing her hospital plan, there is no way a mom can predict what she will actually want in the hospital.

Let her know you will respect her decision, whether it is adoption or parenting.
If the opportunity presents, let her know that while you (of course) hope that this is your time to adopt, you want her to make the right decision for herself and her child and you will be OK if this adoption does not happen.

Take pictures.
With the birth parent’s permission, take lots of photos of the baby with the birth parents and extended family and friends. You will be able to share these with your child as they get older. Offer to send copies to the birth family as well.

Offer to bring food, toiletries or anything she may need.
Hospital stays are generally not much fun, and the birth mother has just gone through an intense physical experience. She will be exhausted and emotional. Find ways to help her feel more comfortable and taken care of during this time.

While attention at the hospital is mostly on supporting and caring for the birth parent(s) and baby, it can still be an overwhelming time for adoptive parents. If you have any questions or concerns, your adoption coordinator will be available to provide answers and help guide you through the process.